Tag: coping

ANNOYED RAMBLE

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I took my book to the lonely hammock for some peace and avoidance.

Sun dribbled thought the gaps in the leaves above as I sunk into that other world.

But then, out of the corner of my eye, I glanced the person I least wished to see.

Surely he would see my book, surely he would see my all aloneness and understand.

That hope faded as he approached some more but I kept my face buried.

Still he spoke. I sighedand mustered a one word replying, never even glancing upward.

I was expecting that to be it. Unpleasant but finally over. I was wrong.

He kept talking and I kept not replying but the other world of my book slipped away.

SHIFTY – 1

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After I turn of the fourth alarm of the morning- I’d set the other alarms long ago, in an attempt to wake up earlier- I notice that my body feels heavier than usual. Strange considering I’ve been loosing weight despite my desperate efforts to eat more. 

I try to sit up, but my ever shrinking muscles can’t lift me so instead I check my phone. First my social media. That reminds me that I have some writing I need to do, writing I was exited about a couple of days ago, so why does my body feel even heavier? Thinking about it and knowing I probably won’t do it today makes my stomach hurt, so I close whichever sinkhole I’m mindlessly scrolling though and open a game I saw and add for a couple of weeks ago. It’s entirely pointless. I’ve been cycling thought the same 5ish mazes so often that the illusion of progress has long faded. 

Beside me, my man starts to stir. He opens his eyes, gives my leg a squeeze and then picks up his own phone. After he’s had a chance to shake of sleep completely he asks me if I’m going to work on that thing I told him I’d do for him. As he does some invisible force wraps a long thick cord around my body, like a python wrapped around its pray, and ties me to the bed. I tell him I’m probably won’t. 

A little more time passes when I check the time. In an instant I’m up. It’s an entire hour later then when I usually feed my dog. She must be getting hungry. 

SISYPHUS

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What an unfortunate relief 

When he told me 

That he had eco anxiety too. 

.

Now he would help me 

Push that rock 

Up the hill. 

.

How do I tell him 

What’s going to happen 

When we reach the top? 

TALK

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The words pour from your mouth like a waterfall,

No matter the topic, no matter the audience.

A professor, you lecture. You’re classroom’s the world.

How lucky must I be then, to have the ability

To render you speechless with talk of ‘us’.

AESTHETIC MISERY

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Eye bags aside,

I’m quite pretty when I’m sad:

.

Colourful peasant skirt 

And bare feet 

Walking the dogs 

On the beach. 

There may as well 

Be a Lana del Ray song

On in the background. 

.

They fetishised my misery,

Packaged it up 

And sold it to the masses. 

.

Why strive for happy 

When sad is pretty too? 

SHRINKING

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Coat hanger shoulders, 

Perturbing hip bone,

My body no longer 

Feels like my own. 

.

I’ve always been skinny

Though never this gaunt.

I have no more pride

Or desire to flaunt. 

.

But worse yet than that 

Is I’ve lost my smile.

I always did laugh,

Now it’s been a while 

JUNGLE PLANT

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I feel at odds here. 

I feel like one of the trees 

That’ the same size 

As all those years ago,

When it was first planted. 

.

The ends of my leaves

Turned brown quickly 

And have stayed that way since. 

But the brown decreased 

With the number of leaves. 

.

I feel like one of the trees

That’s holding- fighting on 

Just to stay the same 

When it rains 

And shrink when it doesn’t.

THE EX

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I thought the whole thing was weird from the get go, but I was never upset about it. The fact that no one acknowledged the weirdness however….. Well I wouldn’t say I was ‘upset’ about it but it definitely didn’t help me feel comfortable. And it’s all emphasized by how completely different we are. 

She thanked me once- I think it was the second time we’d met- she thanked me and asked me why I was being so nice to her. I explained that I didn’t have any reason not to be. ‘Weird’ isn’t a good enough reason to be anything less than nice. Still, I think I would have appreciated if our man in common hadn’t allowed me to become a spectacle in that moment: by myself, cornered by drunken girls who are all demanding me to ‘be meaner’ while he silently looked on with the others. 

Another time he left us alone together. He asked me to hang out with them and then left me alone with her. And the fact that I wasn’t comfortable getting drunk with my man’s ex while he wasn’t there went entirely ignored. 

It’s not that she makes me uncomfortable. Not at all. But the whole situation, having to be a part of each others lives while being each others opposites… well, it’s not without tension. And I guess it would be nice to have someone say ‘I know you didn’t ask for this, I know you weren’t given anything resembling a choice in the matter, so I want you to know that I appreciate how well you’re handling this and how easy you’re both making things for each other.’

I think the moment when my whole perspective on the situation changed was when we where out together and after 6 hours of being completely out of my comfort zone, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. She didn’t hesitate take my side and come to my aid. She didn’t hesitate to do the things I always hope he will do… but never does. She had my back and didn’t care that I was ‘being emotional’ or ‘making a scene’. Instead she cared about the fact that I was in destress and that our relationship was being stressed. She cared about the things I wish he would care about. 

It’s possible that she want us to work out because I’m her best case scenario in a ‘new girlfriend’ and that’s okay because as far as ‘the ex’ goes she’s mine. 

LOVING YOU…

~ Merms ~ 1 Comment

Loving you means

Never really knowing

How important i am to you.

.

Loving you means

Always wondering

If i even am at all.

.

Loving you means

Begging for conversations

And settling

For three words.

.

It means storming out

And thinking

‘This time he’ll come,

.

This time is his turn

To start unraveling

All the tension and the hurt.’

.

I wonder why

I’m still disappointed

When you never do.

.

It means pleading

With a fortress to let me in,

Open the gates

And let me in.

.

And then ending

The night seated outside,

In the cold.

.

Loving you means

Writing a thousand thoughts

You’ll never read

.

And longing to read the thoughts

You’ll never write me.

.

It means wanting so much

For you to prioritize me

.

And then felling like a burden

Or a waste of time

If i manage to convince you to.

.

Loving you means

Tricking myself

Into believing

That the choice between

Happiness and love

Is a hard one.

.

It means pretending

I could ever

Not choose happiness

.

It means knowing

Deep down

That someday

Happy will win,

.

But putting it of

As long as long as possible

For the foolish notion,

That maybe

You’ll offer both.

‘PRETTY’ SAD

~ Merms ~ 1 Comment

The flies buzz around the living room, landing on my laptop- on my skin. It’s almost too easy to ignore them. The early afternoon heat seeps into every muscle of my body, rendering me ‘useless’ for the day. It’s easier to sit around and contemplate my sadness, then to get up and do something- anything.

‘Sadness’ I guess isn’t quite right, but I don’t have the energy to try and find the words to properly describe it. Still, I can tell you what it looks like. It looks like a Tumblr dot com post from those melancholy high school days. It’s aesthetically acceptable eye bags and hauntingly hollowed out cheeks. It’s pointy elbows and prominent collar bones, dusty pink that peaks though all the monochrome. Just typing this up makes me want to put on Marina and the Diamonds- or the 1975. 

Maybe if they hand’t taught me, my whole youth, that my particular brand of sadness was desirable- romantic somehow- a pre request for great art, maybe then I’d have a better chance of escaping it.